Don't Be So Weird About It...
On going out sober ++ Why are lads so mean to lads?
There’s quite a big difference between being sober-curious and having the disease of addiction. But people do often ask me for advice around reducing their alcohol intake or tips for going out sober. I actually don’t know how to cut back on substances. I can’t relate to being able to sip on a glass of wine for a couple of hours and not lose my fucking mind. I’ve tried, many times — it’s just not the way I’m wired. I watch people who do this with mostly awe but also bafflement. So I can’t help with moderation, sorry.
But I do have tips on going out, not on anything! The experience of going out sober, regardless of the reason behind it, can be really challenging for everyone, mostly because other people LOVE to bring it up. I think boomers are the absolute worst at this. I’ve been to a wedding where an older woman asked me in front of a group of strangers if I was pregnant because I declined a champagne. I’ve been told I’m boring for not getting wasted anymore, I’ve had people take my sobriety very personally as though it’s an insult to them. I’ve been dumped and ghosted when I’ve been brave enough to be open about being in recovery, which hurts in the moment, but ultimately is a kindness. I’ve been called a ‘god botherer’ by family members — and I’m like yeah, sort of? But not the God you’re referring to. The hardest positions I’ve been in are work drinks where a higher-up has called me out in front of people, or being offered a gin at extended family events by people who should know better.
“…instead of being offended I’ll do a big metaphorical eye-roll and feel earnest pity for them.”
I’ve come to see that people who are critical of your choice to go out sober generally don’t feel great about their own consumption. So instead of being offended I’ll do a big metaphorical eye-roll and feel earnest pity for them. This doesn’t happen very often because, generally, people don’t even notice that I’m not on anything (it’s been a very long time since I openly drank alcohol in front of other people).
What I have noticed over the past few years is that men get a really hard time for daring to venture out without a box. I’ve had lots of men approach me and ask for tips around fending off insults and digs about going out sober, which makes me really sad. I usually say fuck those guys. But I have built up a few hot takes and solid responses that will shut that conversation down.
Self-assurance
You’ve made the call to head out sober, maybe to a BBQ, maybe a gig, maybe an afternoon in the sun — so commit to that decision and embody it. Walk in with your head held high, take a seat, you do not need to explain yourself, you don’t owe anyone anything. Be at ease with your call.
Curiosity
Find out what you’re into. Who you like being around, who has shit chat, who’s weird on the piss, who is actually gay (bless). Do you prefer chatting one-on-one or being an entertainer? What music are you into? Where do you like going? Make it into a game or an experiment.
Bring a buddy
Let someone you trust know. These friends are excellent at swooping in at the right moment to save you from shit chat, making sure you have a raspberry lemonade or a 0% in your hand at all times, and reading you when you’re uncomfortable. You’ll also have someone you can gossip with about all the weird shit you’re seeing (once I watched a guy smear peanut butter on his balls and chase a dog around trying to get it to lick it off).
Have an Exit Strategy
Bring your own car, have a prepared excuse to leave or just clock the exits and when you’ve had enough slip out.
Responding to a loser
If someone asks you if you’re not drinking, say “No.” and leave it at that. It’s such a strong move, I love it. There’s always a silence as they wait for you to explain yourself, but you get to relish in their awkwardness and say absolutely nothing.
If they push the point, you can say “I’ve been sick, so can’t tonight.” This is good for those work situations where you want to be polite to your managers etc.
If they push it even further and ask what kind of sick, just gesture toward your gut and say “bowel stuff.” That should do it.
If someone is actively hassling you (I’ve seen guys do this to guys a lot), all you can do is put your hands up and step away. Go back to your buddy, let them self-destruct on their own (they’re usually two bottles of chard and half a bag deep so it’s inevitable).
Sometimes, people are genuinely curious because they’re thinking about going out sober themselves, and that’s cool. But more often, it’s a drunk person cornering you to say, “I WISH I WAS THAT CONFIDENT.” You don’t need to carry that conversation. Side-step. Say you need the bathroom. Actually go, if you want to take a breath.
I just want to say that I’m not anti-drugs or anti-alcohol. I just know how shit it feels when you’re trying something new—maybe out of curiosity, maybe for your mental health—and someone tries to embarrass or pressure you in social situations. So I hope this helps.
Summer’s coming (weddings, Christmas, New Year’s etc etc) which used to make me run for the hills. But now, everyone I love is beyond supportive of me not drinking. There are always interesting non-alcoholic drinks that someone has brought along, especially for me. Last Christmas, a family friend brought a pre-prepared mocktail with pomegranate, and it meant the world to me.
So if your friend is dabbling with going out sober, be supportive, be kind and don’t be so weird about it.
Thanks for reading Trainwrecks!! If this resonates with you, share it round <3
